Okay, so here's the thing. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance career aspirations with parenthood.
At least a million times over the last couple months I've thought about posting to this blog.
Yep, thought about it.
Thought about it as I worked on consulting gigs (thankfully, they've kept coming).
Berated myself for not getting down to business. Questioned my notion of starting it. Wondered if I've tried to bite off more than I can chew.
Yeah, I have a pattern of doing that.
But, you know what? My butt's in the chair today. I've hired a babysitter to help me a bit during the week. And, I'm going to focus on creating a sustainable weekly practice of noting my experiences here in this blog.
Along those lines, I'll share this. I'm finding that with each new consulting gig (script analysis/doctoring or business planning/marketing/fundraising strategies), I wonder if the project/script/writer is crossing my path because I'm supposed to recognize it/her/him as a springboard back into active producing.
I'm conflicted. These folks (have) come to me to help them draw out their ideas, their "voices," and I really like where we're able to go together. I think of the ideas I have for starting my own production company; I think of people I've worked with and/or would like to work with. I start assembling structures, plans in my head. And, then I poop out for a little while, because I still spend most of my time keeping my toddler from emptying an entire box of Cheerios on the kitchen table. And I think, 'it's not time, yet. Stay with the consulting. Hold your horses.'
I think to myself, 'When she's 3 years old, maybe then...' But, then again, I wonder if it'll be 5 years old, or 7 years old, or 25 years old!
Plus, the economy's gone to shit. Money is always a dogged pursuit for filmmakers. The endgame/distribution/exhibition world of movies is in transition... It's harder than ever to get independent movies made and seen and monetized. Blah, blah, blah, etc. I think, 'it's just as well that I'm sidelining myself for the time being.'
Oh, but I want to go to AFM to meet international buyers. I want to go the international producers lab in Rotterdam. I want to be supporting a director on set, seeing that gleam in his/her eye as they execute on a long-held dream. I miss the camaraderie of production folks. The excitement of seeing one's finished film with an audience. The challenges and strategies of getting it out into the world.
I think I'm going to be jumping back into active producing sooner than later. :)